Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
