that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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