My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
