i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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