Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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