we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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