I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
