Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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