she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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