If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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