Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
