I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
