My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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