You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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