The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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