I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
