Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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