JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
