I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
