apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
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We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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