Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
