i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
When are your genitals available?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
