I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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