Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
