Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
