She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
