She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My life is pants optional.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
