I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
