Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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