This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
