i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
