it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
