It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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