we made out on top of his cat.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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