is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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