i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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