yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
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I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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