I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
