It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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