dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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