CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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