You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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