haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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