I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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