Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
