If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
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I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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