I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
