you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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