I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
