walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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