my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
