I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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