she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
