i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
