I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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